27 april 2024
i need to be shot oh my God........ i feel nauseous and sick and my stomach acid is eating away at my skin and insides i dont know why i am freaking out ive been freaking out for hours now i cant even cry i dont know what is wrong with me i am so scared for no rreason i dont know what i am afraid of i tried to do some work for my site but it made everything worse i feel like i am going to have a heart attack i know it is probably just a panic attack but my throat feels like it will close up any second now i dont get why this happens to me i think it is divine punishment if i could just throw up everything would be okay i think.i should eat somethign and trick my brain into feeling okay and who knows if i throw up i throw up ill probably feel 100x better i need to sneeze too but it went away nothing is going right. when this happens i feel like a fucking insane sim. i feel paranoid and want to delete every single identifiable thing on my website i am trying to talk myself back into feeling normal i do think eating something may be the way to do it i think our brains are wired to start feeling safe when eating but idk how true that is i think someone told me it once and i never forgot it. my legs feel restless and strange but i think i may have been sitting in a weird position. i am scared to go to my kitchen. i am trying to calm down enough so i can make pierogi now i just want some because im hungry. ok The world is no longer ending i am going to go to bed soon what i wrote is a little incoherent i feel a bit dramatic like damn chill
20 april 2024
i am living in a cycle i cannot escape from, i get super dysphoric, it eases up slowly, i can finally wear skirts again and then something triggers my dysphoria again. when i identified as a boy at 14 i wasn’t really sure what dysphoria was and i used to call myself a transtrender (a term i absolutely hate today) but now i realise i was just a baby lesbian trying to navigate the weird gender feelings inside me. at that time it wasn’t gender dysphoria i don’t think, i just preferred boy clothes and found it cool when people mistook me for a boy. i lowkey factkinned frank iero and i confused a lot of jealousy for crushes. something changed during this time and i have no idea what it was. now i’m stuck in this goddamn loop and i can’t escape it i need to hold my breath until i die!!!!!!!!!!!! my leech still won’t eat i don’t know why. it’s 6am i am going to sleep i might write more when i wake up. ok i slept now i’m up obviously as i’m typing this. i have got to finish playing pikmin four i’ve been too busy tidying my room and idk doing nothing else all day.
18 april 2024
i am finally tidying my room after not really deep cleaning it for like a year... wow putting that into words is crazy. i rearranged some furnatiure and threw out a bit of clothes. i feel bad not donating or anything but i needed them gone NOW or i knew they would sit in my room forever and ever and ever, i still have a bag full of clothes from years ago i wanted to donae lolol. i have so much fucking clothes holy shit and they arent even like... all that interesting, but i like them for days i cant be bothered doing anything. im slowly learning japanese again. too much untranslated vns i wanna read. i am going to buy a notebook for kanji and study a little every day. its going better than before because im not overwhelming myself and im not using duolingo lol i think that really slowed me down. i can see more progress now and it's in a shorter time i feel. idk maybe because i knew a little from before? but im glad im pickinig it up again every time i thought about the fact i gave it up after a few months made me upset. i tried to learn ukrainian before with duolingo and ragedeleted the app because the course was so bad. i would still learn ukrainian one day but im more passionate about japanese and jp media. i want a winXP era pc. idk why even... i just think that older technology is cool. i love my modern laptop and i would love a gaming pc but ... there is more charm with older tech ;-; if i succeed at learning jp i will reward myself with an old pc and maybe start collecting pysical vns.
8 april 2024
i need a working akb48 double heroine torrent so badly. i made an airodu-online account but both torrents on there are broken. i requested a reseed and still nothing. i will continue to wait i hope someone pulls thru i want to see it so badly. i was planning to relapse with disordered eating but i decided that was retarded its so unbelievably miserable plus it isnt like i eat a lot anyways. if i just keep doing what im doing ill be fine. if i really want to lose weight i should start walking more than 400 steps a day LOL. warmer weather is almost back so i probably will start walking daily again with my mum. it isnt even a losing weight thing because im like just under healthy bmi i think i just enjoy being miserable apparently. i listened to another hour of laura palmers diary and wowww the listening experience is so different. it makes me incredibly sad i want to finish it but i will end up killing myself fr fr. im going to try feed one of my leeches now.
3 april 2024
i am high as balls rn so idk how coherant i will be. i dyed my hair red and decided against bleaching it again, i like my natural hair growing in i've not seen it really since 2014. i cant stop watching tech content on youtube i feel like im 10 years old again. also sidemen hyperfixation came back, their thumbnails suck so bad the videos are good and not like mr beast slop content (sorry jimmy) ok my brain is mushy i will go and watch videos about mobile phones and/or ipods now byeeeeeee
24 march 2024
con was yesterday i had lots of fun :3 i liked seeing all the cosplays and anime figures. i liked spending time with My friends the most tho. the week leading up to it was sooooo anxiety inducing but it was worth it i fear. I GOT A STREETPASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when i got home i was so shocked like omfggggg i didnt buy anything at con but my friend gave me a birthday gift, a yohane figure (shes very pretty btw) and a vivi photocard from flip that era. i came home in so much pain but again #worthit. i fell asleep at like 8pm and woke up at 2pm today. im going to go to sleep and play pikmin now i think
14 march 2024
i wrote like nothing yesterday My bad i still dont have shit to say but i made a pikmin button and finally finished sadistic blood 100% god im glad bc i wanted to give up. idk what vn im gonna focus on now... snow? maybe higurashi still needs a lot of work lollllllllll ok ill finish higurashi :3 higu is kind of scary like for real omg. my mama wants to watch the eras tour with me when it comes out so i'm gonna do that later at 1am. i tried on my layton cosplay with everything and its cute im happy, i need to remember to take my 3ds for streetpass.
13 march 2024
im 22!!!! my birthday was epic i got pikmin 4 and its sooooo fun :3 i want to eat some pierogi ive been addicted to them recently. ok i got nothing to say im reading vn now bai
12 march 2024
my birthfay tomorrow yayyyy everything previously mentioned arrived and everything is epic and cool :) my blythe has orange hair and shes so cute. i want to take her out somewhere for pictures, im planning on going somewhere by train with my mama so i will probably take unnamed blythe with me. i just realised i need a name for her. we (me) are still americapilled and i want an american flag so badly, i didnt want to buy a cheap ugly polyester like mass produced sweatshop ass flag i wanted it to look a step above that but i might just give in and buy one of them idk.... i know exactly where i would put it too. my leeches were having health problems (one more than the other) but both seem to be recovering well with alder cones so yippieee. im playing the sims 4 too again with a schizotypal vampire sim, valeria and their cat spottiswoode. they have one of the vampire aspirations Top vampire or something idk they want to know everything about vampires and become like the best or something idk i enjoy the vampire pack tho. everytime they are near their cat they get tense because of the stpd mod (it counts the cat as a person :p) i feel bad giving my sims mental illness but tbh when i play the sims i usually dont leave my house unless its to fight people or find a gf..... my sims are usually depressed anyways with no mods bc of my playstyle idk i enjoy just staying indoors and doing the writing career or something. if my sims have a dog then i'll take the dog to the park but idk i get overwhelmed sometimes.
26 febuary 2024
lanzey nation we are so back. i bought a blythe doll from aliexpress, a cute lolita (movie 1997) outfit reproduction and heart shaped sunglasses. by the time summer comes my hair will be laura palmer length and cut i think also so yayyy. my dysphoria still is coming and going and i feel like i am restricting myself... im glad i didnt give into the hair cutting demons because i am finally noticing hair growth. im still growing out my natural hair and i think i want to continue with no bleaching it. im allowing myself to dye it with vegetable dyes tho. i love giving myself hair wings even if i feel like i look like bob geldof. im having more anxieties surrounding issues i will not share anywhere i can barely think about them without wanting to blow up, i wish my brain would SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to go to the PNW so goddammn badly, im aware it is so similar to scotland but i am going through a strong american phase right now. i was crying looking at pictures from washingotn and oregon earlier it is like another home to me i dont understand. i want to bake cherry pie and eat lambs liver and raw meat. i wish to work more on my site, but my motivation for everything is so low right now im so depressed lololol WE ARE STILL SO BACK THO. being a depressed loser with unwashed hair does not stop the fact that we are so back!!!!!! they will not get me for thought crimes that i may or may not have. my thinking is Protected and safe. sorry but that needed to be said. i am Free and Okay. i need to continue my hannibal will graham edit... ;-; i feel bad for it bc i havent opened svp in ages but i will continue one day............. soon hopefully
22 febuary 2024
i am going to kill mysekf for serious this time GOD. everything sucks i am SUFFER. the entire morning my mother was harassing me to give her money and i kept saying no over and over again and she lowkey didnt stop and now for whatever reason shes taken money out of my bank. i dont even know if shes spent it or what, the phonecall was so unclear i cant imagine a reason why she would take money out if not to spend it im just so angry and hurt. ok well i know the whole situation and its so retarded and dumb im not even gonna type it out but both my parents are stupid and going to hell. i have the money again, it was spent but i have been repaid. its in cash tho and that is just so inconvienient idk if i spelled that right. even tho i have the money again i feel so betrayed lololol. and it isnt in my bank anymore and i hate having cash and money in the bank... i cannot comprehend the amount of money i have when thats the case. also the vhs i bought is broken, i was having like 4 meltdowns per day trying to figure out the issue and then my dad comes in and gets mad at me because it was broken, and kept making me feel like a retard for buying it because he has one (i didnt know this he has been telling me he doesnt have one for years) and when i am sobbing unable to even say anything he keeps going and just made me feel awful. i dont know why he even did that or why he didnt tell me he had a vcr before. i am just so Stuck i am so grateful for my frineds they are all beautiful people i am not going to kill myself i am For serious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 however i do think that whoever was working in tesco is out to get me i was having a borderline anxiety attack when shopping and they did a test alarm for Something idk i wasnt paying attention but the alarm was so loud and uncomfortable I HATE YOU TESCO WORKER. i will eat strawberry and Think about things now goodbye.
11 febuary 2024
i cannot stop buying the league of gentlemen related things. i have purchased the entire series, the live shows, the movie, the book and the radio show on cassette. i watched psychoville too. i liked mr jelly even tho he broke like every clown commandment but his northern accent was charming. i am also watching inside no. 9, enjoying it so far. it feels different to tlog and psychoville. im not even sure if reece shearsmith has crossdressed once. he should have been born a woman, he makes a very sexy lady :3. i have found a wife. judith buckle from episode 4 of season three of the league of gentlemen. everything about her is perfect i want to put her in a machine she makes me so happy. she is the prettiest girl in the world and i would do anything for her. my (non lesbian) friend said dyke recently just randomly and i kind of went all twitter on her ass (ok that last part wont make sense to literally anyone but me anyways) but it triggered a sleeper agent inside me and i am fearful that my matt watson hyperfixation is back because of it. i dont even like him or care about his personal life, i just think hes so very me and we are dykes together. for some reason i uploaded pictures of him with his gf to pinterest captioning them "lesbian wlw couple goals" its not even that funny like whatsoever but i hope to god someone out there sends matt to their gf saying "us :3" anyways. i also bought a vhs player and some tapes. i got auton (im not a doctor who fan but reece did well in this i fear) gone with the wind some special edition idk its for my mum really and the elephant man. ive never seen the elephant man but i like everything else i've seen from david lynch so.
1 febuary 2024
i have barely even been on my pc recently. i have been watching television with my dad mainly. sometimes my mum joins in but my dad and her always argue. everyone else wont let my dad stay with them so he is back here. he showed me the league of gentlemen, a show him and my basically uncle was obsessed with. i really like it i think its very funny. the anniversary episodes were not so funny, there were a few misses that just didnt appeal to me. i kind of need to end my life for serious. i am so unhappy with my gender and self expression and i keep just ignoring it hoping it will go away. i feel like im 13 again. maybe when i turn 25 my brain will fix itself and i will become normal. i just hate everything and i hope someone shoots me in my head. i want to draw more. i never do it because i hate the outcome and i get uncomfortable and want to delete everything. in a perfect world i would only draw myself and kif. maybe my other fictional others too actually. i have accepted i will never see a doctor again and my mental issues will continue to eat me alive and i will never ever recover and i am okay with this. being sick is the most consistant thing in my life anyway and a psychiatrist will just force me to tell her stuff i have never told anyone.
15 january 2024
life has been cray z. first off my dads friend who lived with him died, the night it happend was so very odd and strange. because he died in the house its considered a crime scene so my dad is currently phoneless, glassesless and they stole his weed too. he was going to be staying at my house but the first day he stayed my mum and him just kept arguing (until i got up lololol) they are too similar with different communication styles. he is now staying at a friends house. i know he is hurting and stuff but hes taking it out on my mum because he knows shes the one person he can be very mean to and it'll still be okay in the end. my mum knows this too but it still isnt fair. i made him apologise to her and i think even tho i had to ask him to he still meant it. its all very stressful for everyone involved but i hope it gets better. i think i am going to be layton for con like For real. i can be will graham for halloween. its snowing right now and i am SOOOOOOO cold. i barely have money for gas too so im not putting the heating on until absolutely necessary. my tummy hurts too.... its so hard out here fr. im broke until like friday? i think. i kind of feel guilty every time i spend money. its like someone will come and personally yell at me for doing so.
5 january 2024
i think i have changed my mind a little on my cosplay for con. i want to do will graham at the end of the show. i like to be covered in blood. i started the will graham edit and its taking kinda forever because i keep getting distracted lol. i am so distracted that i am typing this instead. i no longer feel guilty or anything for missing wizzy streams, watching hannibal kinda made me get over the 3 month obsession. IM FREE. i got so stressed out like omfg is it that serious. i will still probably watch the dark souls playthrough streams but idk. i want a palm tattoo and a loona tattoo. i dont know what i want on my palm tho. i think i want a mobius strip to represent loona.. with the words "youre somewhwere im sure" from their song hi high (we boycotting rn so dont listen to it) i miss loona so badly. i know theyre wayyy happier now but i just wish they could be 12 again. my girls need to reunite. i cry even thinking about hi high like its serious. im in this orbit shit for life i fear. i need to get my will cosplay because hannibal has totally plauged my brain.
1 january 2024
hammy new year :) i think that jesus had a good birthday. i got ugg boots for christmas i am so Blessed. i recently finished nbc's hannibal. i really enjoyed it the tumblr fujoshis were spitting, wayyyy better than sherlock or supernatural. i have now started to read a 200k word hannigram fic. right after i wrote my last entry wizzy came back yayyyy. im still rather behind on streams because i missed a few over the christmas period, ive been spending time with my mum. my grandma died. she was my only grandparent my entire life. i should be more upset about it. i am more worried about my dad tho. he is now an orphan, him and my grandma had a complicated relationship before i was born i think but i saw him cry, like really cry for not the first time but kinda the first time. it was very sad :( he just needed his mother and that is a very depressing thing. she died on boxing day morning. apparently there is no funeral its very strange because i would think my grandma would want one, but my dads sister is a very strange evil woman. i am overwheled and anxious with missing so much wizzy streams i feel a strange amount of pressure and guilt. im trying to grow my hair out i dont recall if i mentioned it. i need laura palmer haircut so bad i want to kill someone with my hands. i am so stuck. i wish i was a man but i wish i was a woman. i hate myself most days. i dont change my clothes i barely wash my hair. i have been wearing this damn 4/20 supermega shirt for god knows how long. i am a shell of the person i once was. i have no energy for anything. however i washed my hair last night. and i am brushing my teeth still. everything else is bad tho. i want a shrine on my site for 000000 but i am too scared. i dont even know why. i guess because my obsession with her is so fucking weird and strange. unironically most people would not understand, BUT IM A NORMAL NICE GIRL ABOUT IT. i feel like i am not normal. even when i feel like i look like a normie people stare at me. its like they know something is not right with me. they can tell i am a bad person. oh well i play the cards that i am given. i want to edit hannigram/will graham to creek blues by nicole dollanganger. that reminds me i also got heart shaped bed cassette for cmas but i bought it myself, anyways i've never edited someone to a full song before but i downloaded 50gb of hannibal so i think i should get started. im intimidated but excited. the song is 4 mins tho i couldn't have thought of a shorter song -__- its not like nicole doesnt have short songs. i have svp 17 that stops responding every time i click something and a dream fr. one night i did plan out an entire lloyd edit to wouldve, shouldve, couldve by taylor swift but it didnt go anywhere further because i cant remember specific episode names and stuff.
23 december 2023
happy (early) christmas! i hope santa and Jesus have a good birthday. i have decided i am going to the con i mentioned before as fem professor layton. i would do male layton if his hair would look cute on me but i know i would be insecure. wizzy is still Not back... wizzy is gone and my life withers. i think i want to do a 60s inspired wig for layton since the games are loosely based in that era and i love 60s hair. i dont think im gonna do my typical 60s beehive thing because of the hat, i have a pinterest board for inspo. i think that i should probably do a 60s inspired outfit too but i dont know. i want people to know im layton, im already genderbending i dont wanna stray too far away. i know i want to wear a skirt and i was thiking about making one. i enjoy making skirts because theyre just big rectangles depending on the style. one day i hope to go to a con in an outfit i have fully crafted myself. my first con i had a skirt i made myself but for my second con i just bought all items. i might watch some drag wig styling for help with my wig LOL. i was thinking maybe jackie kennedy can be inspo but i kinda want a long curlier wig. maybe a cute updo thing idk... wigs are hard and i have too many things in my head. i still have no been in contact with a doctor for a psychiatrist appointment and i still love radiation. i watched litvinenko, the tv drama about the man alexander litvinenko. ignore the letterboxd reviews they are useless people who only watched for david tennant. i really enjoyed it, i watched it with my mum who knew the facts already and it seemed to be really accurate. i liked the hazmat suits too, very cute! i reccomend everyone either watches it, i learned a lot. i didnt know itsu existed in 2006. i want a blythe doll. i am going to bed now.
9 december 2023
my back hurts. i bought all the christmas presents i needed to buy. everything is wrapped too. i did everything so early this year im very proud. i have been enjoying learning about radiation recently i need to find more documentaries instead of just youtube videos (kyle hill is who ive been watching mainly) radiation is sooooo cool. i want some uranium glass jewelry but the house md episode where the kid almost dies because of uranium glass kind of freaks me out. i dont even know if i am remembering that episode correctly. i know uranuim glass is safe so i think i just kind of misremembered that episode idk it was probably something else radioactive. i have no more wizzy vods to watch and he is taking a break from streaming, i missed his last stream too i am so sad about it. there wasnt a vod uploaded with that either i want to hit him on the head with a stick. i am going to eat some cereal i will be back soon. ok cereal has been consumed. i watched the 2010 movie submarine the other day and the main character is just like me (mental problems and lives on the coast) i like welsh people. i am trying to stay awake for a long time so i stop sleeping all day and awake all night. its 9am and i want nothing more than to go to bed. i think i will do my makeup or something to occupy my mind but idk. maybe i wont i kinda wanna dress masc today when going to the chemist. okay i have returned from the chemist. i am going to update some things on my site soon i think. i need to find more buttons and such.
30 november 2023
i finished reading the final dossier finally. i enjoyed it but there was a mistake in the book that i could not stop thinking about. annies birth year..... if she was born when the book said she was she would have been 12 in 1989 and thats not possible. god im even annoyed right now thinking about it. i need a new xbox controller also i cant play fallout 3 the controller drift is so bad. i miss playing dishonored too idk i might buy one on ebay. i need to buy 000'0 and my dad christmas presents. i got my mum cowboy boots i think i know what im getting 000, i hope he likes it. i still need to give him his birthday present too. i have no idea what im getting my dad, maybe a snoopy mug, loving snoopy is seriously in my dna. there is plans for 000 to come to scotland for con and i am lowkey praying it doesnt happen. i feel so guilty about it but i feel so sick with anxiety when thinking about the entire situation. obviously we are friends but idk im happy keeping things online forever. i think most people wouldnt understand so i dont say anything and just let the anxiety eat me alive. i find it funny i got into fallout 3 since some fucking retarded annoying ass freak moid tried to tell me about it to get me into it and would be so fucking annoying when talking about it like omfg can you top yourself, but some random archived tumblr post from nemu (rip my queen i miss u) got me to actually play it. nemu also reignited my love for professor layton like idk a yearish ago. i reread the threads on her like yearly but the most recent time something was different, i feel like i am no different than some 4chan man the way i orbit some women. i dont interact with any of them all my accounts are private and im too anxious for that (also two of them are inactive away no known socials) i am so anxious right now i dont know why. i love taylor swift (not a swiftie) but her having an album named 1989 is so annoying, i love it but like when im looking for 1989 hairstyles + inspo she is the only thing that comes up. usually i wouldnt complain when seeing a beautiful woman but grr. swifties are being so annoying right now because jack antonoff just said she wrote youre losing me in 2021... repeating things they sent gaylors death threats for like THEY ARE GOING TO HELL. anti gaylorism is just homophobia at this point because WHO CARES if taylor gets called a dyke by some other dyke on twitter. maybe if taylor stopped being dykey people would stop calling her gay. gaylors are pissing me off too, karlie is a zionist yeah but taylors last like 5 albums are about that woman and trying to rewrite the history is crazy, and some newer gaylors are doing to much to try and appeal to hetlors, they are never going to respect you regardless of if you are a kaylor, swiftgron or tayliz truther. they're just gonna call u a faggot (not even the right slur) and move on.
13 november 2023
i have been sleeping all the time. i wake up at like 6pm do nothing all day and then go to bed at like 9am. all ive been doing is watching wizzy streams and playing fallout 3 or prof layton.
4 november 2023
writing on my phone again at 6am.. i hate it i want a physical diary again :( but i get so paranoid about people finding it and reading it. i want to see a psychologist Psychiatrist person again, this time just by myself i do not want to explain my entire life to a stranger tho that is so unbelievably odd to me, and i would need a female person i do not trust men i don’t know. i finally bought ddr for my playstation, i think that will be fun. wizzy obsession kind of took over and for some reason made me start questioning my gender what’s up with that but i think i am ok with being called a girl.. maybe. i know she her will be the only pronouns i’m comfortable with because they are all ive known since i was like 14 and id’d as a man/nb. i am just a boy lesbian with no desire for a relationship. i’m drawing again too.. three days in a row #winning. i missed her birthday, i feel so sad about it but i don’t even think i knew what day it was when it was her birthday. also if she knew i was thinking of her on her birthday she probably wouldn’t like it… i’m sorry 00000 but i’ll always have a special place just for you in my heart. i miss her so bad everything hurts and it’s so fucking unbelievably delusional of me but it’s how i feel. i cant even go outside at night without thinking of her, wherever there’s a yellow toned light she’s instantly on my mind. i am going to bed now
21 october 2023
i went to horrorconvention yesterday as miss laura palmer with 0000 they went as yuno gasai, we looked so cute i think my purple umbrella unified us in a way because yuno and laura are in completely different worlds but my umbrella was a few shades lighter that yunos uniform. i was absolutely terrified before and i know if i was less mature i wouldve been so desperate to cancell last min but didnt. agoraphobia lost and lanzey WON! i didnt really see anything i wanted to buy other than some bl manga (therapy game) i've just started reading a little bit ad its enjoyable so far. my back was so sore by the end of con tho.. and my wigcap was making my head sore (fuck you tiny wigcap) i want to stop using a template for my site but i am so lost on where to start with real coding and html, i love my template but idk i feel restricted. i will probably do a site revamp one day maybe i'll work on that later. my back has been sooo painful recently i can barely do anything i hope its just period related because my period is due soon and not just deteriation of anything.
12 october 2023
i have so much things to do for my site but i feel like i have slowed down. i need to just let myself go at my own pace. im so depressed and disgusting right now tho im back to sleeping all day and being a awake all night. i dont mind it but its a bit frustrating i dont even know why. i need to finish the final dossier by the end of the month so i can return it to the library. i also need to finsih my twin peaks rewatch. i covered (one) of my windows again, the paranoia isnt fully back but i do not like being outside even just at my door. i think my hamster obsession is back lolol i've been watching munchies place on youtube i feel like im 16 again. rereading old diary entries makes me so sad, i have been in this agoraphobic cycle for so long it is so comfortable now i do not think i can ever go back to true normalcy.
5 october 2023
i’m typing this on my phone right now at 6am so technically it’s 6 october whatever my cramps are seriously so bad right now and my period ended 9 days ago i don’t know what is wrong with me… i finally updated my site again after baking the adam cookies. i knew i probably wouldn’t like the cookies enough to eat them because i really don’t like peanut butter but i needed to make them in the authentic smigglestyle form first. i kept thinking to myself while making them “this is so ridiculous i can barely stand the smell of peanut butter what am i doing” but i Continued on.. my mum liked them so she can eat them all.. i’ll bake the rest of the dough tomorrow too probably. idk how long i can keep it in the fridge before it turns to dust. i mean there’s no egg or milk or anything so probably a little while. i’m so sad for Unknown reasons lately it’s like my hormones are all Crazy it’s worse than when i was a teenager i think. i don’t think i have much of anything left to say typing this tired me out maybe i’ll get some sleep finally.
28 september 2023
i have decided i want to buy ddr for my ps2. i edited my website a bit but im not updating the live site until ive done something more. i made a zero day button, i didn't think making gifs in photoshop was that easy tbh. i keep forgetting to eat because im so busy coding or reading/consuming adam stuff. im going to make supper soon i think. im working on an adam birthday spreadsheet. im sure theres an easier way to imput dates but i dont know how so i will continue to do it manually. i dont mind doing it manually i just dont want to make a mistake and look stupid. my back hurts again. i wanted to do more for the site today but got so distracted... i guess it is site research. i dont know what i want my shrine page to even look like. i know i want links to multiple shrines. i think i will go make food now. ok... noticed some annoying bugs on my vn page. i think its because i typed the og on google docs a few days before i started coding or something. ok i fixed it how embarassing. my updates werent showing either i got scared and updated the whole site so i guess the zero day button stays. i hope no one noticed.
27 september 2023
today was unnoteworthy. i went to get a my ID and was almost late... very stressful. i just wish i could stay inside all day and never leave. my back hurts very badly. i've been thinking of adam all day most days since he started plauging my brain and i feel insane about it. i have been enjoying working on my website i hope to get it up later today but im not sure because it will still be very unfinished. i need to make my shrine page. i know i want a shrine for nicotine, adam and maybe something else. i need tofigure out decorating it more. i really like my david lynch angry dog banner.
26 september 2023
i still do not have a physical diary so i have not been writing anywhere. my life in the past year has felt very strange. i lied when i said i would not have a special place for 000000 anymore. i think of her so often around this time of year. i miss her and i hope shes okay. i always feel so fucking weird about her. im very confused i thought i digitised more of my diary enteries... kind of pissed off at my past self for that. in the time that ive been gone there had not really been anything to note. i met a boy (no hetero) and then however many days later he got sent back to jail (he was out on tag) and hung himself. it hit me so hard and i dont even know why. he left his cap at my house so at least i have something to remember our very very short friendship with one another. i think he knew me better than i knew him before we formally met, i only really knew vauge things about him. he gave me anxiety medication. in october (i think) 000 messaged me and we became friends again, im really grateful i didnt realise how much i missed him. i met 0000 irl in january, we didnt do much but it was very fun and im glad it wasnt awkward like i feared it would be. 000 and i went to a small comiccon sometime after he reached out to me i dont remember exactly when it was but i went as lain in her black turtleneck long skirt outfit. we have another con in october, its horrorcon and im going as laura palmer. im getting id sorted out for it finally (its 18+ and i have been carded for 16+ things before.) i think out of all my current friends (i have like 2 i message regularly) i will only give one the link to this site. i got 3 pet leeches in july last year, beatrice came with a health issue i was unaware of at the time so i didnt treat it and she died. i cried and gave her a burial next to my first dog who passed. the other two pyjama and bubbles are doing great tho. i realised also that i am happy being alone. i have no desire for a girlfriend or anything, obviously it would be really nice to have one but i am fine living without one. i dont think that there is a girl out there for me anyways, i am so very stange and fucked up they would just not understand me. i think this will be my longest entry. my back pain has been really bad lately and i dont know why its like i am turning to DUST very fucked up. i dont make it any better because i dont go to the doctor. i cant make an appointment because i cant talk on the phone tho. my mum needs to do things like that for me and she just hasnt. i binged twin peaks with her and finally finished it after wanting to watch it since the return came out. my mum always said it was super weird and got confusing tho, i guess shes right but i think because she was watching it when it was first aired it wouldve made it so much worse. i fell in love with twin peaks tho the thing that got me to finally finish it was buying it second hand on dvd. i watched the original run on my crt and the return on a modern lcd tv for the authentic experience.
3 july 2022
i selfishly want him all to myself.[← that is a ludwig quote you are so unserious 27/09/23 edit.] i hope that 00000is for real whe he says nice things about me. 000000 000000 0000000000 0000000000 00 00000 0000i was scared he was trolling me but i dont think so anymore. i hate how attached i already feel i relapsed (LOL) with 000000 i tried to let her go but i felt so empty and sad. im starting to get self critical when talking to 0000 i really want him to see me in a positive light. i just wish i was a normal girl and not cringe + gay. when he 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 i dont know why. i guess im just scared of being ghosted LOL. ive lost weight and i need to know the number so bad. it lowkey drives me crazy. I dont think im 000000 000 0000 but i dont think im far off.
13 april 2022
bettering yourself os so scary. i want to go out today, im not sure where but i will think of places. i just want to crawl under my covers and never be seen again. ive been feeling so empty lately. ive been crying so much lately. i do believe one day i will find love. someone will love me as much as i love them.
7 april 2022
money. i dislike living here but i dont know if i can make it on my own. i keep fantasising about a better life. 00 00000000 0000 make of that what you will. i do not think he is interested in me and i dont even think i am interested in him like that i got some valium (i think) perhaps i will take one. ok im back. i like valium. i have read so much riddler fanfiction in the past few days. 0000 0000000 000 00 000000 000. i relistened to our voice messages the other day it made me happy kinda. i cant explain it. i could just melt into the floor mark renton style.
4 april 2022
i went to see batman today. it was very good. i am addicted to riddler erotica. i feel so empty right now. i dont know why. i guess its true what they say about 0000 00000 00000 its crazy. my insides feel like theyre not there i just want to cry and cry. a message with no reply is making me feel this sad. i think im just going to try sleep. i hope i feel better tomorrow.
3 april 2022
i dont think ill be able to go out tomorrrow. im so scared already.. im so sad about it. i hate living like this. i would do anything to be normal. im going to try my best because this is the first step to getting my life back. i just need to recover. i shouldnt be crying over something so normal. im twenty i should have friends and a life. agoraphobia is the worst illness. i really want to push myself.i need to push myself. i need to sleep soon so i can wake up early enough tomorrow. im so isolated and alone. i just need this one thing. i hate living like a prisoner. the worst thing is i did this to myself. im going to try do something by myself every week, like even just taking my dog for a walk. i just want to be better for myself.
1 april 2022
“I’m sorry for every word i wrote to change you, im sorry for so many things. i couldn’t see you when you were here and, now that you’re gone, i see you everywhere” i need to let go of 000000 i took her pictures off my wall. im so sad about it. it is so bittersweet i just deleted all my photos of her. i want to move on with my life. everytime i see a lamppost at night i think of her. i just hope she is somewhere good right now. letting go of someone youve never met is weird i hope this is my last time mentioning her. i wasnt important to her. if she is truly my shimatomo i will never see her again. im not even going to keep a special place just for her. i will leave her at peace. ive been kinda talkinng to 0000 again. i feel like im annoying him but im not sure. im just sending dog pictures but its human interaction and i kinda need that. on monday im going to see batman by myself. im so scared i know it’ll be hard but i want to get better. agoraphobia is ruining my life. i miss being normal. i want to be a capitalist pawn. working a misreble job. i would have something worth talking about. i am such a fucking loser. i want to meet someone and just be hopelessly in love for a while. i deserve it. god puts me through so much, what did i do to deserve this.
28 march 2022
nothing new to say. I always feel a connection to christianity when im at my lowest. I feel so sad and empty. 0000 messaged me the other day we spoke briefly and then stopped. it was nice i guess. brought back old memories of when someone wanted me. i talk and think about people ive never spoke to before like we are friends, in my head we are friends i need to delude myself or ill go fucking crazy. i am always living in the past, a fantasy past, that didnt even happen. if i still had my entries from 2017/18 it would show how alone i am now. i cant pinpoint when i lost connection to my friends it feels like it happened overnight but i dont think it did.
